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Visions of Badassery...

I’ve made a vision board every January for the last 4 years.

It’s a practice I started with dedication after reading You Are a Badass by Jen Sincero shortly after my divorce.

It was the first thing I bought myself with my meager funds once I was on my own. I still remember when it arrived. I had just moved into a tiny little house that I’d needed to refinance my car in order to pay for the first month’s rent and it would be a few days before I would start my first job after being a stay-at-home for the past 20+ years. (I spent more time crying than eating or sleeping in those days.)

It was a spur-of-the-moment purchase, but one I feel like God and the Universe were pushing me toward. I’d been seeing and hearing about this book everywhere.

It arrived from Amazon damaged, the back cover bent and half the pages rippled.

I imagine it looked a lot like I did.

I went to my room and sat cross legged on the bed. I did not feel like a Badass. Actually, I’d never felt less like a badass or even a valuable human at that. I wasn’t sure why I’d felt so strongly that I needed this book. So strongly that I’d used precious money to buy it.

The bent pages fell open to the end of a chapter that said simply, “Love yourself.”

Oh, that’s why… More crying.

I spent the next few days engrossed. Bent pages became dog-eared, covered in margin notes and pink highlighter.

The book reminded me that all of us are beautiful creations of a loving God and deserving of beautiful lives.

“You are loved. Massively. Ferociously. Unconditionally. The Universe is totally freaking out about how awesome you are. It’s got you wrapped in a warm gorilla hug of adoration. It wants to give you everything you desire. It wants you to be happy. It wants you to see what it sees in you.”

Suddenly I had permission to try to be something more, someone more.

That book set me on a journey that has transformed me into something more, someone more.

My relationship with my Higher Power is deeper and more personal than I ever could have dreamed while sitting on that bed as a broken and defeated woman.

Matthew 1:11 says, “But he that shall endure unto the end the same shall be saved.”

It’s so humbling for me to look back on that day, that woman. I’ve talked of it before. People told me I was brave, doing the things I did to survive. I didn’t see it that way. I saw only two options, fight to live, or curl in a ball and wither away. I had to fight, for my kids.

I had started to do that though, wither away. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I lost nearly 60 lbs in less than 3 months. I was scaring my therapist, my family, my friends, and when I finally looked in the mirror, myself. And then one day, possibly that day, I woke up. I decided to do more than endure, I decided to get up and fight back.

A few days ago Jen Sincero interviewed me to be in the 10 year anniversary edition of You Are a Badass, set to be released at the end of this year.

I’d followed another spur-of-the-moment decision and submitted my story to be on her podcast. She’d sent out an email to her followers asking for people to share how the book had changed their lives. I never once believed I’d be selected for the podcast, let alone this.

This incredible opportunity allowed me to go back for a few moments to remember who I once was and compare her to who I am now. It filled me with immeasurable gratitude.

I have been truly saved. Every year for the past three years I have been blessed with those things I put on my vision boards—including a trip to Italy and a solo road trip to the Oregon Coast. There is no other way to describe what has transpired in my life as less than a miracle—or series of miracles. By the will and grace of God I am experiencing a more beautiful life than I ever could have dreamed possible.

This year my vision board is different. I’ve learned that in order to save my life I must first surrender it… to God, to the unknown. I have to choose every day to let go of fear, the illusion of control, and step forward with arms splayed wide, eyes closed, and trust that Christ will be my light. Each image on my board represents a certain state of being I desire rather than a specific thing or event. I feel humbling awe as these “visions” come true each and every single day.

Once I chose to walk with God the walk became a beautiful adventure. Scary at times, yes, but so incredibly beautiful.

No matter what happens don’t quit. Surrender instead. Surrender every fear and doubt, pain and heartache to God or whoever you deem to be your Higher Power and let Him save you. I promise you with every fiber of my being… He will.

“But he that shall endure… the same shall be saved.”
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